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Dear Eric: My husband of more than 40 years left a note for me to come home to and was gone. It came as a huge surprise as every day he told me he loved me, up to the day before he left.

Our then-25-year-old son, too, was blindsided.

My husband ran to a recently widowed “friend.” It’s been five years. I have never heard from him again, except when he answered a text to help with a home question.

I still love my husband and knew he was a weak person when we were courting; he does not like confrontation and is easily led. I am the stronger partner and deal with things.

I continue to speak highly and well about him, especially to our son. I figure why disparage my son’s father in his eyes? I would not like to hear ill of my parents. Yet, my husband was not perfect and because he was the one who fled I feel I’m looked upon as the bad apple because why did he feel he had to go?

So, do I share with our son the little things his father was “guilty” of all these years or take the high road and continue to be seen as the reason our marriage ended? Because I am strong, I always feel people think I can absorb any barbs. Not true!

– Spousal Report

Dear Spousal: You deserve to be heard. Your son may not be the audience for all the things you want to say, but you don’t need to sugarcoat the truth to him. Indeed, he’s already seen and been blindsided by your husband’s actions, so he’s not under the impression that your husband was blameless.

I’m so sorry you experienced this. Your husband’s abandonment was surely jarring, painful, and confusing. You can be honest with your son about how you’re navigating this dramatic change and ask him how he’s feeling. You can even ask your son what information he’s comfortable hearing about his father from you.

Unfortunately, people who are seen as strong often need to be a little more proactive about asking for help, support, or just a listening ear. Don’t be afraid to be honest with friends or relatives about what you need or where you are emotionally. By talking about it, you will probably find that few, if any, folks are thinking that you’re the bad apple. And if anyone does think that your husband was perfect, that may not be someone about whom you need to give much thought or to whom you need to listen.

If you don’t have one already, it will be helpful to talk with a therapist about what you’ve experienced and what you’re feeling. As I wrote at the start, you deserve to be heard, and working with someone who is 100 percent there to listen to you and help you process can work wonders.

Dear Eric: I recently connected with my first love. We live a long distance from each other. I don't trust easily and started overthinking. He has been divorced for 20 years. I told him I love him. The relationship was passionate. I was scared of all the feelings I have for him. He was smitten with me after all these years.

I did a background check, and it said he was married. I sent it to him, thinking he was lying to me. Later I found out he is divorced.

I could have handled it better, asking directly instead of doing what I did. I have apologized profusely. He has not responded to any call or text. Did I nuke it?

– Lost Love

Dear Love: Even though he was your first love, this iteration of your relationship was new and still becoming, so an accusation like this early on can have a big impact. Think of your relationship as a sapling rather than a decades-old tree.

This isn’t to say that the sapling is permanently uprooted. I can’t know that; only you and he can. But, for the moment, you might consider taking his silence as a boundary and giving him space.

It may be helpful for you to look inward and process some of the struggles you’ve had with trust. Ask yourself what about your past or this person prompted you to believe he was lying to you.

You may find that you have other reasons for being distrustful or you may find that you have some things that you can work on to better set yourself up for future relationships. Be gentle and kind with yourself. The intensity of this reunion may have brought up some things you want or need to process. Your feelings are not failures, but they might be clues that point you to areas of your life that need some care.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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