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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please settle an ongoing dispute with my wife. When we attend a concert or show with open seating, is it polite to sit directly in front of someone already seated when there are plenty of other seats available that don't block someone's view?

Both of us are rather tall, and I believe it's more polite for us to sit towards the back -- or at least not in front of others when possible. She says we should just sit anywhere we like.

GENTLE READER: That you have limited your question to theater seating is an enormous relief to Miss Manners. Because what you have here are two fundamentally opposed ways of approaching life, and she hopes this does not lead you two into worse conflicts.

One approach is that our only job is to look after our own interests; others can look after theirs.

The other is that it is in everyone's interest to avoid unnecessarily annoying others.

Admittedly, this can lead to difficult choices. Always deferring to others is as bad a choice as never doing so. But in a trivial situation, when you can spare inconvenience to others with almost no cost to yourselves? Miss Manners sides with you. But she also worries about you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I have just started planning our wedding and asking our dearest friends to participate. I find extremely large wedding parties distasteful, and think that being an attendant in a wedding should be reserved for those you're closest to.

My fiance is adamant that his female cousin be included as one of my bridesmaids, although he could care less whether his own sister is included. I don't personally care for either one of these ladies, but I'm willing to compromise with him on this because I would like my own brother to be included as a groomsman. And to be honest, this isn't worth the massive fight that would inevitably result if I refused.

My concerns are twofold: 1. Is it inappropriate to include his cousin in the wedding party but exclude his sister? 2. If either of these ladies are in the wedding party, I would rather restrict attendance to bridal gown shopping and similar events to my closest friends; would that be an insult to them? I feel the forced camaraderie would be awkward for all of us.

For the record, I suggested we just have co-ed wedding parties and was shot down.

GENTLE READER: Shot down? Why?

People are so conscious of gender roles nowadays that after dealing with a bride's question about when to write letters of thanks, Miss Manners was inundated with demands to know why she didn't tell the bridegroom to write them.

The answer: because it was the bride who asked. What does Miss Manners care which of them writes as long as the letters get written?

In forming a wedding party, it is ridiculous to feel that gender is more important than the relationship. Traditionally, the genders were divided only because it was thought that respectable single people did not have friends of the other gender.

The relevant tradition is that the bride and bridegroom each choose who should stand up for them. And now is the time for you to stand up for yourself.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN