Fights, disagreements, squabbles — whatever you want to call them, they are part of any relationship (romantic or otherwise). And, I’d venture to say, they are part of any healthy relationship. Disagreements can’t (and shouldn’t) be avoided, but is there a way to disagree productively?

Today, we have two questions regarding disagreements in relationships of varying lengths of time.

Question: We’ve been together for four months and have had two fights that almost broke us. Is this normal?

Answer: Having two disagreements in four months is completely normal. Though, you used the word "fight," which does concern me a little. But perhaps we just chose different words.

Regardless, it's not the disagreements that really matter; it's how you resolve them. Communication through "fights" often makes or breaks a relationship. How do you speak to each other? Is it respectful? Are you able to resolve it in one sitting?

Are you able to express how you feel with each other and have the other person understand how their actions have impacted you?

Without knowing the details, that's about all I could say. But the fact that they almost broke you tells me that you, together, could probably do some work around the communication part. But having small disagreements is normal.

Question: Is it normal if you've been together 9 months and had no disagreements?

Answer: This word "normal" is hard for me to answer. There really is no normal!

Plenty of people go nine months with no disagreements. On the surface, that's great!

My only question for you to ask yourself is whether you are holding back expressing yourself if something is bothering you to avoid a disagreement or because you don't know the right words to use or don't want to offend somebody... or you just haven't had one yet.

I'm glad you're enjoying yourself and getting along so well, for what it's worth!

Remember that the goal is not to count disagreements, and no one is “winning” when they have fewer. The goal is to examine what happens before, during and after them. Two couples can have the exact same number of disagreements and be in very different places. One might use those moments to understand each other better and build trust, while the other might use them to keep score, assign blame, shut someone out, wield power or threaten the future of the relationship.

Rather than asking whether your relationship is "normal" based on the raw number of disagreements, ask yourself whether it feels healthy. Can you bring up concerns without fear? Do you feel heard? Can you repair after a disagreement and move forward without resentment? Do you feel satisfied after working through something with your partner? Those answers will tell you far more about the strength of your relationship than the number of disagreements you've had.

Healthy relationships aren't the ones with no conflict (in fact, the opposite). They're the ones where both people know how to navigate conflict when it inevitably shows up.

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