ArcaMax

Dear Eric: My daughter is 17 and has been dating a boy since she was 15. They plan to marry as soon as possible at 18. I'm worried, however, that he's not the guy for her. While he is polite, to us, and hardworking, he has belittled her and seems to try to change her into what he thinks she should be (I have heard this from others).

His mom likes another young lady for her son, not my daughter. I have pointed out the red flags to my daughter, but she either doesn't understand or thinks these issues are no big deal and he's worth it.

I'm worried that if they marry at 18, she'll be miserable and regret it. I'm sure he would be miserable, too, if she's not close enough to perfect for him. I say this because he seems to want to change her.

Divorce is not an option as far as either child is concerned. So, saying that if they get married too young, they can just divorce later, wouldn't happen.

I'm not sure how to proceed or how to help her understand, without pushing her away. Or do I just wait and see what happens, although that approach is driving me to tears.

– Worried for Daughter

Dear Worried: Your daughter’s boyfriend’s behavior is concerning. For her safety, you should be as emphatic as you can be about the problems you’re seeing.

If he loves her and wants to build a life with her, he shouldn’t belittle her. It’s not clear to me what the nature of the belittling is, but it’s possible that this kind of talk qualifies as emotional abuse, which can escalate to isolating her from her family, controlling her actions, and even physical abuse. Even if his comments aren’t emotionally abusive, they suggest a domineering and unhealthy nature that could seriously damage her life.

Speak to her as an adult. She’s not yet, but she intends to make an adult decision, and you may get further by trying to meet her where she is. Respect will help her feel seen and heard. Acknowledge that you can’t tell the future, but that your life experience is cluing you into things that she may not be considering. Ask her to help you understand her thinking. Ask her what she gains by not waiting. There is a page on the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website (thehotline.org) specifically dedicated to talking to teens about relationship abuse. You may want to consult it for guidance before talking to her.

This conversation may, as you fear, create conflict. But what’s paramount right now is her safety.

Dear Eric: I have to speak up about “Left Unanswered's” letter. The letter was about a 50-year-old who was frustrated that a 70-year-old friend didn’t pick up the phone when called. You advised that the younger friend accept this habit and work around it.

I live in the Midwest and people here are so polite and shy of anything that might be a confrontation. That includes not wanting to help people through tactful honesty.

If you saw somebody with toilet paper sticking out of their waistband, wouldn't you say something?

Where is the line? Why then hesitate at giving people information about themselves that will actually change their life for the better? Even with a bit of awkwardness and discomfort?

I'm 77. I have memories where I realize in how many ways I was getting laughed at or disregarded. With a little feedback I could have stopped being the kind of person they laughed at many, many years earlier than when I finally wised up.

Not finding a way to make a friend aware of something they need to know is, in my mind, socially criminal. There is always a way to say it. Even if embarrassment or rejection ends the friendship, it is worth doing. For the sake of the world.

A serious talking to, in any form, is what is owed a friend. Even if the friendship ends. Please, think about this.

– Friendly Advice

Dear Advice: A crucial thing to remember about tactful honesty – or let’s say constructive criticism – is that it’s important to first ask if advice is wanted. If we see something standing in the way of a friend’s happiness, we can ask if the friend is open to feedback. But it’s important to respect the answer.

Additionally, one person might have a problem with another person’s behavior, but that doesn’t necessarily make it a problem for the second person. The letter writer didn’t like the friend’s phone habits, so the tactful honesty would really be about an opinion rather than advice, i.e., “I think you should pick up the phone more.” Opinions are fine, too, but again, it’s important to get the go-ahead first.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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