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Dear Eric: My son has a wonderful family. We have tried to be friends to him and his wife and family. Our son is adopted. I only tell you in case it matters for our problem.

He married his wife when she had a 3-year-old daughter who is now 15. They have a 1-year-old son.

We go to softball tournaments for the 15-year-old. We love them all.

Here is the problem. Our daughter-in-law will not let grandma pick up the new baby or hug him. It kills grandma. She wants to be grandma.

Do we confront mom and try to be grandparents? We think mom has issues with her own mother that she projects on to our son's mom. We do not know and do not understand.

Do we call out the baby's mom and do what? We walk on eggshells the way it is. Help. It is killing grandma and me too.

– Want to Be Loving Grandparents

Dear Grandparents: I want to start by acknowledging that wanting to show physical care for your grandchild is not unusual nor, in the abstract, unreasonable. However, it will help everyone involved if you can work on recalibrating your expectations. There are ways to show up and be grandma that don’t involve hugging or picking up right now. Your relationship with this child will continue to change and grow over time. It’s possible that his mother’s comfort level will change, as well.

A confrontation is not the way to go. But a conversation is possible and will be fruitful. First, talk to your son about the way you’re feeling. He might have more information for you that will inform your thinking. Go into the conversation with curiosity rather than demands. For instance, you might say, “I respect the request that I not hold the child, but it’s hard for me because that’s the way I show love. Can you help me understand where this is coming from?”

This conversation might be all you need. But it’s also possible that talking to your son’s wife, or your son and his wife together, will be helpful. This talk can focus on what they would like the grandparent relationship to be and what you’d like it to be and how you can build it together. The most important thing is that you respect what they ask and remember that their decisions, like yours, are coming from a place of love.

Dear Eric: I am the second of four siblings. We are in our 60s and close in age. I generally avoid my older brother because I experience him as judgmental, self-righteous and controlling, but sometimes I have to see him. In particular he helps our mother a lot and seems to find a way to be present at my mother's house whenever I am there, which is not often as she lives in a rural area in Pennsylvania and I'm in California.

One specific issue is that I have struggled with weight issues all my life and am sensitive about it. My brother brings my weight up every time I see him and regardless of whether the setting is public.

I'm currently pretty fit but my partner, a wonderful person, is overweight. I want to bring my partner to meet my mother. Unfortunately, I have told him about my relationship with my brother, and he doesn't want to go if my brother will be there. I'm thinking of telling all of my siblings that we want time alone with Mom, but I don't know if this would keep him away.

Do you have other recommendations?

– Too Old for This

Dear Too Old for This: Enlisting the help of your siblings is a good place to start. Talking to your brother directly about it is also an option, but I understand while you might be hesitant considering his lack of respect in the past. It’s important to speak your truth, but in this instance, it may detract from your primary objective, which is seeing your mother.

Taking a broader view, this may not be something you need to fix. I understand your partner’s reticence. Meeting a partner’s family can be challenging in any circumstance; anxieties about a family member saying something rude or belittling can only compound that. However, if it’s important to you that your partner meet your mother, that’s the priority here. Your partner should do what he needs to do to show up for you while also protecting himself. It’s not unfair to ask this.

Your brother is a stranger to your partner. Strangers’ comments can be hurtful, of course. And your partner need not submit himself to unwelcome opinions. But it may be possible for him to prepare himself emotionally to keep this stranger at bay while supporting you, his loved one.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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