Q. My ex and I were married when we were very young. We had a child soon afterward, but my ex left us, and we were divorced nine months later. I have not seen or heard from him in 8 years. I remarried a wonderful man when my son was a year and a half old and he is the only father my son has known. Today I got a phone call from my ex’s aunt who told me that my ex got married, has a baby and is moving back into town. He wants to see my son. My husband is furious and so am I. Do we have to let him see our son? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Although you probably think this rarely happens, it’s something I have seen many times:

A young couple gets pregnant and has a child. The young man, not ready to be a father, leaves for whatever reason. Eventually the mother meets someone new who loves her and the child, and they start their life together. Wanting an intact “family,” the new couple decides to raise the child as their own, not telling the child that the man he thinks is his father is not his father. Life goes on until the biological father gets older and more mature, meets someone else, has another child and realizes his mistake. He sincerely wants to make amends for leaving and attempts to re-enter his first child’s life, but this presents a problem on a few different levels.

One, his first child is now 9 or 10 and has no idea that the man he lives with is not his dad. He has bonded with this man, and the reappearance of his biological father could be psychologically and emotionally upsetting for both, but particularly the child.

Two, he not only has a father he did not know, but a sibling, who lives with this father. "What's wrong with me?" he might be thinking.

Three, mom sees how much her child’s father has accomplished and how well he treats his new family. She’s resentful and does not want to cooperate and does everything she can to prevent reunification.

Ex-etiquette Rules No. 5, “Don’t be spiteful,” and No. 6, “Don’t hold grudges,” both apply here. Of course, mom's angry and resentful, but those emotions will ultimately hurt her child, not protect him, and could cause resentment down the road if he finds out the truth on his own. Mom has kept a huge secret from him.

There’s another school of thought: The child has a father who loves him (mom’s second husband) and to disrupt that bond could be detrimental to the child.

That may be true, but if the biological father wishes to reconstruct his relationship with his biological son, most courts will support him in that desire. Considering the stress and frustration a court battle may cause, it might be better to allow your ex to right his wrong. Get the assistance of a professional to help design and implement a plan that works up to unsupervised time between father and son.

I cannot stress how important it is that biological dad stays consistent and remains attentive to his son. These “dads” must be committed to work together and never make this child choose one “dad” over the other.

Finally, if faced with something similar, keeping secrets backfires. (Good Ex-etiquette Rule No. 8, “Be honest and straightforward.”) There may be extenuating circumstances now and then, but for all intents and purposes, it’s best to raise a child to understand their parentage from the beginning. That’s good ex-etiquette.

©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC