Dear Anna,

I'm a 31-year-old man who's been with my 27-year-old girlfriend for three years. We met through friends and clicked immediately — our conversations flow effortlessly and we laugh constantly together. But I'm struggling with something that's eating me alive: I'm losing physical attraction to her. When we started dating, I knew we weren't each other's usual "type" physically, but our emotional connection was so strong I thought it wouldn't matter. She's always been curvier while I'm very into fitness, but lately I find myself looking at other women and feeling guilty about it. The worst part is she's noticed my decreased interest and is now trying everything to change (new workouts, eating differently) but it's not helping how I feel. I love her deeply as a person — she's funny, kind and my best friend — but the physical spark is fading and I don't know if that makes me shallow or if it's just how attraction works. I can't bring myself to hurt her by being honest, but pretending is getting harder. Is this something that passes, or should I accept we're not physically compatible long-term? — Conflicted And Despairing

Dear CAD,

This is one of the most heartbreaking situations in relationships, and your anguish is palpable. You're caught between genuine love for a person you’ve dedicated three years of your life to, someone who gets you and makes you laugh, and the warring desire to question if it’s enough. Please know that waning attraction doesn't make you shallow, and neither does wanting to change circumstances that may no longer be working for either of you.

Attraction is complex. It's easy to dismiss desire as something superficial — a great rack or six-pack abs — but it's never that simple. True attraction involves emotional connection, shared energy, the way someone moves through the world, their confidence, their joy. It's chemistry that can't be manufactured or forced or filtered.

Years ago, I was with someone I cared deeply about. We lived together, did everything together, and had spent five years with each other, but at some point near the end, my body just decided it was done. Not my mind, not my heart — my body. In instances such as these, the mind is often the last thing to get the memo. I was still deeply in denial that things needed to end. But my body, undeterred, turned on a glaring neon sign that said “Closed for Business.”

Suddenly, even kissing became difficult. Every touch felt forced, like I was betraying both of us by pretending. I wanted to want them because they deserved that, but something fundamental had shifted in me and I couldn’t not notice. The harder I tried to ignore it, the more pronounced it became. My body was sending me a message I didn't want to hear.

Your body might be sending you similar messages. Only you will know that for sure, of course, but if you stay with your girlfriend out of duty or guilt, that will benefit no one. Indeed, it will actively hurt her more.

That said, it’s good to tread carefully when it comes to desire, because desire is a drug and our genitals are idiots, and if we went around making decisions based on new shiny things alone, our lives would be disaster tornadoes. Eating every cake in the display case just because you can isn’t going to bring you happiness. At least, not for very long.

And, of course, it also has to be said that desire naturally waxes and wanes in long relationships. But I don’t think that’s the case here. There's a difference between a temporary dip and your whole system saying “no more.” When your body consistently recoils from intimacy with someone you love, it's often signaling something deeper than physical preference — it's your core self trying to tell you something important.

Will you listen?

The fact that her efforts to change aren't rekindling anything suggests this isn't actually about her appearance — it's about something more fundamental. And watching someone you love desperately try to transform themselves for your desire while you remain unmoved? That's torture for both of you.

You're not broken, and neither is she. Have the conversation you've been avoiding: “I love you deeply, but I'm struggling with our physical connection, and I think we need to talk about whether we're truly compatible long term.”

Yes, it will hurt her. It will hurt you too. But on some level, she already knows. She can feel your waning desire. Continuing to let her believe that changing herself will fix this is crueler. She deserves someone who looks at her and feels lucky, not someone forcing themselves to feel something that isn't there.

When you navigate this conversation, be prepared that the answer might be ending things. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is admit when you're not the right person for someone, even when you wish you were.

If you're not quite ready for that, you could try taking sex off the table for a while. Some couples find that removing sexual pressure actually allows space for desire to return naturally. You might also consider therapy to understand what's really happening beneath the surface, either by yourself or with her.

Your instincts are already telling you that things have to change. The question is whether you're ready enough to listen.

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