Lori Borgman: Head, shoulders, knees and woes

Lori Borgman, Tribune News Service on Oct 6, 2026

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I have come to the conclusion that aging is simply a different version of Pin the Tail on the Donkey, only this one is Pin the Aches and Pains on the Old People. In Pin the Tail on the Donkey, there is only one winner, but in this game everybody wins. No matter where you put the pin, you’ll tag something.

More and more, when we are together with friends our age and older, the conversation frequently turns to health matters. The conversations quickly become rounds of “Can You Top This?”

Someone announces a new knee problem, and someone else shouts, “Had that when I was 50!”

Someone else reveals they are scheduled for shoulder surgery, and someone else shouts that they’ve already had two. Comparing aches and pains can be a highly competitive sport. Unfortunately, there are no ribbons, trophies or all-expense paid trips to beautiful islands.

The husband enjoys these conversations, as he considers them free medical advice. When I asked what he planned on doing about a knee issue he’s contended with for months, he said he’d know more next week after he talked to our friend Kathy. She’s been treated for the same issue multiple times and is undergoing treatment again. Who needs a consult with an ortho doc when you have Kathy?

A while back, a woman who sits two rows in front of us at church had a knee replacement. Six months after that, a woman who sits one row in front of us had a knee replacement. Knee replacements aren’t contagious, but all the same I moved to the back row. At this age, I’m not taking chances.

Sometimes the conversations concerning health matters are so intense that I want to lead an impromptu round of “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes,” just to see who’s still agile. Of course, that would lead to a lot of snap, crackle and pop, more technically known as Rice Krispie Syndrome.

It’s important to stay positive and make the best of every situation. Case in point is a friend who says his bones may ache, but he’s getting pretty good at predicting the weather.

Among our friends are those contending with vision issues, joints that pop like bubble wrap, hearing challenges, and decrease in overall speed and flexibility. Thank goodness we can all still drive.