Q. My 8-year-old daughter told me that she wants to dress up for Halloween with her mother, her mother’s boyfriend and his two children. They are all going as characters from the same movie. I’ll admit it bothers me. It looks like they’re pretending to be one big happy family and I’m being replaced. I told my daughter that I thought she and I could come up with our own costume instead, but now she’s upset. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. I understand why this stings. But there may be something more important going on here than a Halloween costume.

Children certainly understand that their parents live in two separate homes after a breakup. But how distinctly they divide those two worlds is often influenced by how their parents approach the separation.

If mom consistently refers to “our family” at her house and dad does the same at his, the child gets the message: These are two separate groups. When we do something with one group, the other group is not included.

Sometimes that separation is necessary. Parents who are highly conflicted may need very clear boundaries. But when parents can comfortably interact, those boundaries don’t always have to be so rigid.

That’s worth considering here.

Your daughter may be completely aware that you are the person missing from this group costume. She may even wish you could be part of it. But if the adults have established that mom’s household does things with mom and dad’s household does things with dad, she has learned that distinction from how you and mom have presented life after your breakup. Then a Halloween costume becomes another reminder of which family she is with at that particular moment.

The goal isn’t to do everything together. It’s to stop treating everything as either/or.

That’s the key to becoming a successful bonus family. It’s rarely either/or. It’s also.

Mom’s boyfriend and his children are not her family instead of dad. They are also people who may become important to her. Enjoying Halloween with them does not mean she has chosen them over her father. She can have fun with them and also adore dad.

And dad doesn’t have to compete with that.

Offering your daughter another costume because you feel left out turns “also” right back into “either/or.” Now she has to consider which costume to wear, which activity to choose and, underneath it all, which parent she might disappoint.

That’s exactly what you want to avoid.

So ask yourself, what would “also” look like here?

It might mean dad sees the costume before she leaves. It might mean mom sends a picture. It might mean dad simply tells his daughter to have a wonderful time and looks forward to hearing all about it later.

No one has been replaced. No one has to compete.

Your daughter has mom. She also has dad. She may also have bonus family members who become important to her along the way.

That’s not taking family away from her.

That’s adding to it.

That’s good ex-etiquette.

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