We all want our kids to become mature. We take this word so much for granted that many of us have probably failed to fully consider what the word really means.

I think that the word “maturity” comes from one’s developed ability to bring value to the world.

Philosopher Aristotle's idea of human flourishing ("eudaimonia" in Greek) involves developing our capacities and exercising them in the service of a worthwhile life and community.

Developmental psychoanalyst Erik Erikson argued that mature adults create, nurture, teach, produce and contribute to the next generation.

Psychologist Jordan Peterson notes that “the notion that you have to offer something of value to take your place properly in the world … There’s no difference between that and maturity.”

After working with parents for 26 years and having many deep conversations about their hopes and dreams for their kids, I think maturity, defined this way, is what parents most desire for their kids.

How people add value to other people's lives is probably less important than most parents think. I believe that it’s the giving of something of value that matters. It could be a lifetime of work as a custodian, a nurse, an executive or a store clerk. It could be a lifetime of good deeds, being kind to strangers, always helping when you can, or being polite, conscientious and thoughtful.

So then, how do you get your kid to become mature, to be able to offer value to the world?

As toddlers and as young children, kids will experiment with adding value to the world in small ways. As parents, we need to reinforce those behaviors by using a Positive Statement of Fact: simply stating the value that the behavior had on the world:

“When you make me these pictures that I can put at my desk, it makes me so much happier when I’m at work.”

“When you clean up the living room after you play, it makes me feel so good because I can still enjoy a clean, orderly house.”

Adding “Thank you” and giving hugs are great additions to this strategy. Notice that this is done as a statement of fact, not as praise.

Once you do just a bit of parental reinforcement when your kids are young so that they are habitually adding value to the lives of others, the world will do most of the rest of the work for you! Creating value in the world (being mature) is self-reinforcing and will grow as they get older. They will develop skills, strengths and resilience. They will get paying jobs where adding value will be traded for money. They may train to get a desired job. Likely, it will be desired because that job is a great means of adding value to the lives of others.

Eventually, your kid may find one special person who also creates value for others, but seems to create an especially wonderful kind of value for them. Your kid may become romantically involved with that person and even marry and have a kid of their own with that person. Then your adult kid could start the process again: They could reinforce behaviors that create value in the world, and then the world could start rewarding your grandkid with the gifts that are given to those who bring value to the world, to those who reach and live a life of maturity.

What if everyone were able to live a life of adding value to others, and were able to give that life to their children?

What a wonderful world that would be.

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